recent research shows

"Woman overwhelmed by Sunday papers"

Here are the fake headlines I wish I could see this Monday. The news is so dreary this side, I thought I needed to invent some antidotes.

Mugabe bows out gracefully.
"I have realised the error of my ways," says former president and liberation leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe in a suprise move this week. "My people are suffering and it is time to put them first. An election with only one candidate is not really an election at all, but I thought I would carry on the joke just to put one over on Blair's puppets. Now however, I am stepping down and would like to call on the people of Zimbabwe to freely choose the way forward. This week we will launch 'Operation Heal and Reconcile', whereby my personal millions will be pumped into a campaign of consultation and public crisis solving." Thabo Mbeki was unavailable for comment.

Arts council awards grants to unknown writers.
In a suprise move this week, the National Arts Council has decided to award a series of large grants to unknown talents in an effort to develop theatre and literature in the country. "It is difficult to get ahead in the arts in South Africa as too often the grants are awarded to tried and tested names, or to those whose work serves a political agenda," said the Minister of Arts and Culture in an early interview this morning. "To counter this, we invite writers and unknowns to submit their proposals and samples of their work." More than 100 artists will be given an all-expenses paid year of leave in the destination of their choice, in order to write the next great works of literature for the continent. "We will also be searching the blogosphere for worthy recipients of the prize," added the minister.

Mining companies pour millions into rehabilitation of wetlands
Major mining houses have responded to environmentalist's calls for responsibility towards the communities and ecosystems in which they operate...

Clean Energy Bill to be passed immediately
"Forget Eskom, solar and wind energy are the future," says government energy commission in a recent move to bring clean energy to the masses.

Mass movement to build houses, create jobs for foreigners
Hundreds of South African citizens are building houses and opening their doors to foreign nationals in a massive effort to provide refuge for those running from their countries of origin. "We just can't sit by and see our fellow Africans abused and homeless" said one South African national who wishes to remain unnamed. "Since our government is not doing much, we decided that it is up to us to make our brothers and sisters welcome. We need them to teach us their skills, and in return we are starting a job-sharing initiative." Community members said that by 2010 they hoped to have integrated the influx of people into schools, hospitals and police force. "We recognise that together we can build a great nation. They will help us to fight crime and take back our streets. Once we have done this together, we will go with them to help them fight the struggles in their own countries. We can make this continent a place of justice and prosperity, if we stop waiting for our leaders to show the way."

Sigh. Happy Monday everyone.
Recent research shows that avoiding the news for one week will improve mood and reduce dentistry bills...